I think I'll have a heart attack soon...

Lately there has been too much going on that I realized suddenly how much I always put people before me.

It is certainly not doing me any good and I feel like I will at any moment collapse. So I decided that from now on, I will say to myself "it is NOT my business" "it is NOT my problem" If people are capable of causing the problem surely they are capable of undoing it too, right?! My good, how people can be a pain sometimes. I always hear Sartre saying in my head "Hell is Other people" he is so right. This month I turn 29 and it is something that is making me wonder about the future too much. Yes at 29 it is making me worry- wait till I hit 30 aye! It upset me the most when the advert with Antonio Bandarez comes on and I think to myself how much he aged and how age is a real B**** There is no stopping for age, it is a powerful thing that hits us all, humans, the most. I don't think animals worry or notice even, it is just a natural cycle for them. Oh well, pardon my pessimism but if there was any sense in this world, our purpose would be a bit clearer and our path would be easier. I sat the other day in a doctor's waiting room full of sick babies and all I can think of is where is God's mercy and why is he allowing this? Is it wrong of me to ask? Maybe. But as my eyes watered thinking that thought I could not find the right answer or at least one that satisfies me, not even close. In fact, when my own son sleeps on me as I am on the rocking chair and he flinches, frowns or wakes suddenly crying, I wonder what could have possibly disturbed his easy peaceful life? I can only wish when this happens that I am present in his dreams to push bad thoughts away or whatever made him that scared or upset. But I guess there is only little that a parents can do.

Apologies for the scattered ideas here, it is that time of the day where I cant help myself but think. I wish I could "unplug" myself....again, if only it was that easy.